Funerals are hard for everybody. We don’t much like death in our culture. We avoid all contact with it, so much so that we call say “she passed,” “she went home,” “she passed over,” and “she’s gone,” rather than “she died.” Although “died” is a perfectly good word, we avoid it. Death means something else is in control, and we can’t live in the future anymore.
Image from http://www.arlingtoncemetery.net
Death used to be part of life, but now we’ve pushed it so far into the future, so that we can forget about it. When my mother was 95 and dying of Alzheimer’s, the nurses would tell me about her “progress” at each meeting. Despite the fact that everyone in the room knew the end was near, I kept being told that she might soon improve.
At the funeral (now six years ago), well-meaning people who were terribly uncomfortable said things that were not comforting, trite, or simply awful. But what can we say? It’s such an difficult situation all the way around, what can we say and be sure it’s right?
Here are 5 things not to say, and 5 things that work better.
1. “I’m sorry for your loss.” I know that Law and Order has made this the catch-all appropriate phrase, and that’s exactly why you shouldn’t say it. The person will know you said it because you don’t know what else to say.
The better thing to say is, “I’m so sorry.” No more is needed. A touch on the elbow, shoulder or a hug is also fine if you know the person well enough.
2. “What can I do?” Don’t make the person come up with a small task to make you feel better. This is a better question after the funeral, and with a suggestion. “What can I do for you that’s helpful–pick up some groceries? Cook dinner? Take your car to be washed?” That let’s the person know what you are offering.
The better thing to say at the funeral is, “I’ll call in a week and ask what you need.” Then do it.
3. “Go ahead and cry, it will make you feel better.” Let the person decide when to cry or struggle not to cry. And right then, nothing will make her feel better.
Instead, say, “I’m keeping X in my prayers [or heart or thoughts]. And you, too.” That doesn’t require an answer and is a comforting remark.
4. “You’ll get closure soon.” The death of a loved one has no closure. There is no getting over it, it will change the life of the person left behind forever. And that’s fine. It’s one of the big changes we go through in life. Their life will never be the same, never heal over. There will always be a scar, and the person will have to learn how to live with death. In time the pain will be different, and she will create a new way to be, but there is no closure.
A better thing to say is, ” May you always have good memories.” Of course, this is best used if the person you are saying it to was not in an abusive relationship.
5. “This is all part of God’s plan.” Even if the person you are talking to believes this, right now it not a good time to remind her. She might be angry at God at the moment, and reminding her that she’s not in charge and her sorrow is somehow inappropriate is not comforting. If she doesn’t believe that every action is part of a divine plan, it sounds condescending and empty.
A better thing to say is, “I don’t know what to say.” You don’t have to know what to say. Honesty is a wonderful thing for a person who has suffered a loss. You don’t have to fix the person who is suffering. You just have to be there for her.
–Quinn McDonald is a writer, life- and creativity coach.
I dont agree with number 5 either. My friend committed suicide 5 Months ago:((( And I Strongly disagree with this, its just all wrong…
It’s OK to disagree with my perspective–it’s a big world. I’m sorry your friend is no longer with you; I hope you are comforted by the memory of your friendship.
Natalie, How terrible about your friend. It’s easy to see why you are upset. God has HIS plans for all of us. We may not like them but they are His. It’s easy to get upset with him when someone dies. God is specific about this and tells us in the Bible “My ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts. As high as the heavens are above the earth my ways are above your ways and my thoughts above your thoughts” As I write these words my brother-in-law is lying in the hospital dying of cancer. He served the Lord for many years. If God were all merciful this would be a perfect world.
Not everyone believes the way you do, Patrick, which is why I suggested not saying things like “God has his plans for all of us.” Many people don’t believe in God, or a male god. Or a God with a plan. Many religions believe in different ways, and it’s best not to prosletyze in blog comments or a funeral. I totally don’t understand your sentence, “If God were all merciful, this would be a perfect world.” Not at all. God is all merciful. People have free will. It’s our job to make the world perfect, not God’s.
I’ve always been kind of amazed by the phrase “i lost…..xxx “.
I think that our culture is far more afraid of death then I first imagined. Despite deep religious beliefs, we are terrified of any imperfection in the physical body. And death is the ultimate imperfection. So we make up the oddest words to describe death, don’t we?
Many religions offers an afterlife because they know that people fear death.
I personally don’t believe in a god, but that’s my opinion and everyone here is entitled to their own. I believe that after I die it will be the same as before I was born. I did not have a consciousness, I did not suffer and I did not feel. When I die my body will become one with the earth as it rots or if I’m cremated, and one day I might become one with the universe as well when the sun has turned in to a red giant and devours our little planet.
I do not fear death, but I love life. According to me I will only live once and I spend every waking moment to make life better for me, those around me and generations after me. I know that when I’m gone it might be the end for me, but the beginning for thousands of other people.
Anyways, I did come to this website for a reason and that’s because I’m heading to a funeral in 1 hour from now. Thanks for the post!
May you be a comfort to the bereaved.
Thank you all for sharing, it helped me.
At the risk of causing controversy: I’m not comfortable with critiquing people who mean well, are trying to reach out, but simply aren’t fluent, glib, polished. Sometimes they’re mired in grief themselves, sometimes they speak from the heart but lack verbal skills, or maybe they just have an interpersonal tin ear. So what? If someone offers me a -sincere- expression of sympathy, I think I should try to hear the intention, not just the words. Grief doesn’t erase my obligation to react with humanity. (No doubt it would be poorly received if one blogged about how to grieve gracefully!) If you’re reading this thinking I’m speaking theoretically . . . well, not so much, I assure you.
It’s good of you to want to believe everyone means well. That’s why I wrote this to read before a funeral. So you don’t burden the person with yet another job—believing that everything someone says are sincere expressions of sympathy, not just the first thing that pops into their heads. The person I want to cut slack to is the grieving person. They are the one who needs it.
Just noticed this posting and I agree with all of it, especially #1, which is really over-used.
I’m sorry works all the time as are You’re in my thoughts (prayers, etc). and ‘call me if you want to talk.’
Lois Wyse said it best in terms of loss: it never gets better, it only gets ordinary. We heal, get on with life but the absence is still a hole or scar, no matter how much time goes by.
I just found this entry today, while i was reading about your burlap experience. I’m having a rather difficult morning, missing my elders very much, 4 years ago i lost my mother and…. no, you never heal completely. that scar is something you carry with you all of the time. In times of lonliness or confusion, that scar is even more deep than you had once realized.
What not to say when you have found out your spouce has lied to you or when the person you love has walked out of your life….. rather similar
Our experience don’t wash over us and disappear, they change us and how we look at life. Part of the struggle is to continue on our path with pain, crafting a new view of the world.
becuse it is apart of gods plan
You don’t have to agree, it’s fine. Read the reason again. It explains why not to say it, even if the person believes in God’s plan. Just like you wouldn’t say, “No wonder he’s dead, he was so fat and never exercised”–just because it’s the truth, doesn’t mean you should say it.
i dont agreee with num 5