It’s time for some tough love. Affirmations have gotten a bad name, and reading through a lot of them for this article, I can see why. We’re encouraged to chant lies at ourselves in the mirror. “I can do anything I put my mind to.” No, you cannot. Here’s an example: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Austrian body-builder and current governor of California, might want to be President of the U.S., but he can put his mind to it all he wants, he’s
Taming Your Gremlin by Richard D. Carson
not going to be President. He wasn’t born in the U.S. and unless the Constitution changes, he’s got to settle for something less.Some positions and careers are out of our reach, and the sooner we get realistic, the faster we an set realistic goals–big ones, tough ones, to be sure, but realistic ones.
“I deserve respect and all good things,” sounds hollow in the mouth of a banker who lied about mortgage loans and sent half his clients into bankruptcy.
It’s time for tough-love affirmations. Ones that feel real to you, that inspire you because they are based in your truth and seem possible, even if they are hard. No cheap, starchy filler in these soul-supporting challenges.
“Universe–you supply the quantity, I’ll handle the quality.”
“All prayers are answered. Sometimes the answer is ‘no’.”
“I am in charge of my happiness. . . .what can I do to have more?”
Red ball, green lawn.
The purpose of affirmations is to change negative thoughts to positive thoughts. This takes persistence. Lots of persistence. The first thing my coaching clients say is, “If the universe wants me to have it, it will deliver it to me.” Really? If that were true, then the universe must want me to have bills, because that’s the only thing that gets delivered to my house. Food, gas for the car, clothing—none of those show up at my front door on their own. Neither does happiness and success, they both take effort, planning and work. I believe in the universe, but I don’t believe in the fairy goduniverse.
The next thing my coaching clients say is, “I can’t replace the negative thoughts. You can’t get rid of a thought.” So I ask them to try something. You can do it right now. Close your eyes and imagine a red rubber ball rolling on a green lawn on a sunny day. Can you see it, rolling down the slight slope? Ahhh, nice. Now, think of a $20 bill. See the rectangular shape and the fancy number “20″ in
That's Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill.
each corner? The man on the front is Andrew Jackson–a long face, full white head of hair. See it? Great. Ummm, what happened to the ball?
Yep, you replaced one thought with another. You can change your thoughts, you just did. And you can use positive thoughts to change negative thoughts.
Now, what are your real-life, no-nonsense, get-tough affirmations? Leave them in the comments section and I’ll choose a winner and send him/her a copy of Taming Your Gremlin: A Guide to Enjoying Yourself by Richard D. Carson. It’s a short, illustrated book to help you get rid of negative self talk. That’s the cover, up at the top of the blog.
Let’s hear those tough-love affirmations. . .
Contest winner: Susan at OrganicsYes is the winner! (Drawn at random). Send me your address, and I’ll send you the book!
–Quinn McDonald is a certified creativity coach and writer.
Oui, oui!
“Fake it til you make it!” (yep, may sound negative, but one woman’s affirmation is different than the next)…as a performer…sometimes (yep, even with the practice schedule, the song choices, the gift from the universe of the ability to sing, setting up gigs…knowing that the music is there…work, work, work) I get up on the stage and look out and just tell myself to “fake it til you make it!”
Sometimes…we over-think, over “affirm”, take the “what the hell” out, and focus too much on the work. Yea…the work is what makes it good, and sure, this is the same as “acting as if”, but sometimes, a new situation DOES call for faking it…because I have really never done it before each performance is new..and I hope it works…and actually goofing off a bit is good for my soul…and faking something is sometimes…just fun when the pressure is on;)
I’m not going to argue with someone who knows how to make it work–and performs in front of a live audience! As my mom (an immigrant whose first language was French) used to say, “One person’s poison is another person’s poisson.”
I hate that stuff about put your hand out and the universe will give you what you need. If so, I don;t much like what the universe handed me. I much prefer the stuff I’ve worked hard for. I like your take on the whole issue of affirmations.
As for mine, I have two that I sometimes use separately, sometimes use together. They are “One step at a time.” “Make the most of this present moment.” Even though they both sound simple, they are more often than not quite challenging.
I’d be afraid to put my hand out. My grandfather had a saying “s*** in one hand and wish in the other, and see which one fills up faster”
I like affirmations for changing how I look at things, but I certainly don’t think they are going to change the universe. “Do what you can to make this situation better” works for me. And a practice I’ve found very helpful- by accident- is to look around myself, at any scene or situation or person, and try and find one thing good in it. I started that when my mother, who was one of the most negative people in the world, got to me too bad. Every time she said something negative, I’d look for something positive in the person/scene she’d commented on, and say that to her. It pretty much shut her up after awhile, and then I realized it had changed how *I* saw things!
That’s a powerful story, Laurie, and one that shows how you can manage only yourself. And look at what a great job you did, too! I think I would have been scared of your grandfather.
That’s the hardest work right there, Bo. Staying with what shows up. Working right here and now, not for what may happen in a week. Working in the here and now makes the future what we want it to be. For sure.
Deal with it. Just. Deal. With. It. How’s that for tough motivation?
I have a pin that I always keep in my purse that says “It’s never to late to have a happy childhood.”
That’s good, too. We may not have been in charge of the beginning, but we are sure in charge of the rest.
“Buck up you big baby!”
(I even have it embroidered on a pillow!)
BIG Hugs!
Oh, Connie, I love it! When I was in the art show circuit, the phrase was “suck it up and drive!” but yours is even better. I hear at least a journal page coming on, maybe a pillow!
Nice post, Quinn. I agree with what you’ve said here. It’s not that affirmations don’t work, or that people who fail aren’t “trying hard enough.” Most people simply have no idea what affirmations do to the brain and are probably setting up their practice of them in an ineffective way.
One thing I never liked about the affirmation process was the insistence on “fake it until you make it.” The intent was good, but for people who value authenticity, it sounds TERRIBLE! But affirming that you are starting where you are, NOW, with one authentic action, and that you can do that again, and again, has worked for me.
I’ve never liked “fake it till you make it” at all, although I DO like “act as if. . .” which I see as a totally different approach. “Act as if . . .” is a path that has a beginning where you are and moves in front of you. “Fake it. . .” is being inauthentic and I don’t see how it works.