Kids of about two years of age do something called “parallel play.” They aren’t big on cooperation or sharing, but they play pretty well if in the same room and each has a favorite toy. Once they get a little older, each will immediately want the toy the other child has, even if one has a bike and the other a cardboard box.
I’m seeing a lot of this same behavior by adults on Facebook. A post will be commented on by a number of people each explaining something only vaguely related to the original post. One person posts about a great dinner party they had, and six comments will follow detailing a different dinner experience. One will inevitably be a post that uses the dinner theme to discuss a hurtful remark made at dinner. Sometimes months ago.
The other behavior is what I call “fixing you, fixing me.” Someone tells a story that might be funny or simply a slice-of-life story, and a bunch of people reply with solutions, suggestions, way to change the outcome and, inevitably, a one-upmanship of a similar story in which the commenter is either a hero or a victim.
As a writer, I don’t understand this. The practice of dropping contents without context is better suited for Twitter. Why leave a comment that hijacks the original poster’s story and turns it into your story? Why try to fix people who aren’t asking for help or suggestions?
And while I’m curious, why use phrases like, “You so deserve this” or “Congratulation! You deserve X.” Who is anyone to determine what someone else deserves or not? For the most part, we don’t know the people on Facebook all that well. Sometimes we don’t know them in real life at all, just on how they portray themselves to us, publicly, on Facebook. What someone deserves may well be left to a higher power.
Here’s my goal for this week: In all my Facebook replies, I’m going to focus my attention on the person who left the post. No telling my own story, no hijacking the thread to something I want to talk about, no fixing. No advice unless specifically asked. I wonder how well this will work and how long I’ll last.
My example will be Eleanor Roosevelt who said, “Great people talk about ideas; average people talk about things; small people talk about others.”
I’ll get back to you later in the week.
—Quinn McDonald is a writer whose life is an experiment in progress. At least she hopes it’s progress.
The last time there was a Facebook it was called “AOL”. Had no use for it that time either.
Now there’s an interesting perspective!
Very interesting post! I have observed the same thing, and find it kind of sad. To me it’s a reflection of how self-centred our society has become and how most of us have lost the ability to show empathy. If it’s not about ME it’s not relevant! This same thing happens very often in live conversations, and if I am the initiator of the topic, I find it extremely frustrating that often the conversation gets sidetracked without even a word of acknowledgment of my situation. I added the last sentence because I tend to not post that much on facebook and the idea was more relevant to me for in person conversations–I hope this isn’t viewed as diverting the conversation! I think the world would be a better place if we took your experiment to heart in all of our interactions every day!
It happens in face-to-face conversations as well. And it’s just as annoying. Everyone has an opportunity to say,”Thanks Mary, I want to hear what happened to you with the 6 javelinas, but I’m interested in hearing the end of Jane’s story about planting violets.” But it takes a good bit of courage to do that. And no, it’s not diverting a thread to ask more about it.
So there is a comment about a great dinner party. I assume it is either “I pulled it off with great food or it was a great social success.” There are six comments saying they had a great dinner party too, their food was… or they had a great social success, too…or there are six comments saying “I’m glad your party was a success.” At that point I want to comment..but .my dinner parties are never great social occasions or great food, so my relationship to dinner is emotionally negative. Either I add one more to six of “I’m glad”, or, untruthfully, “my experience was similar”, rather redundant at this time, or I point out a different experience but because it is not different food or a similar social experience, it is seen as being different enough to be “hijacking the thread”.
It is true that many of us tend to respond to problems with solutions, especially we ,left brained logical individuals rather than the right brained more social individuals who respond with the empathetic supportive comments. Some of the “you deserve” comments are because folks believe everyone “deserves” to be respected, to have good results, to be happy etc. not because they deserve it more than others deserve it or need to be judged by a higher power.
That’s my take and I’m sticking to it.
Good to know your views. Thanks for telling us.
Examples of hijacking a thread: turning the content from one topic to a different topic by means of a more dramatic story; adding an interesting hook with a link to another site; or simple one-upmanship that draws attention from the original post to oneself.
Crikey, this is a very thought-provoking post to reply to. One word in the wrong direction, and I’ve just done the very thing you’ve pointed at, Quinn.
Impeccable listening, I agree, is a fine and noble art. Let me say that I’m doing my best to practice it now after reading everyone’s well considered comments. I look forward to hearing more about your experience with this experiment.
(huge grin!)
I’m actually interested in knowing how it works, myself. The word “shenpa” comes to mind.
Not having heard the word before a google search turned up this, which I found beautifully fascinating. Thank you again, Quinn, for enlightening my world: http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/shenpa3a.php
Thanks for the link. I have the recording and it’s a lovely lesson.
Quinn, Your point is also valid for blog comments. And Amazon reviews. And on and on. I think it’s going to be a great social experiment. It does seem that blog posts that have some drama, negativity or self criticism seem to get more comments. But thankfully, not here, you do have a great group of readers!
I am lucky, and I know it. Yes, Amazon reviews. I know that well.
Many times the original post is lost completely because of comments later on (hopefully by the original poster but those aren’t always the posts that people respond to). I personally don’t usually like to make comments about someone’s troubles unless it’s a “Hang in there” or “You’re in my thoughts.” I don’t honestly understand many of the FB posts about every detail of someone’s life, e.g. woke up with a headache, trouble with kids, fight with my friend/spouse, etc. To me, it sounds nit-picky and annoying and I refuse to comment on those posts.
I definitely agree that posts are lost and comparisons are made that are inappropriate to the original post/meaning. I suppose many of the “You deserve it” responses are just an easy way to show support (oftentimes without even meaning it) but I don’t like to make those kinds of replies unless I actually do know someone or, at least, know a lot about them through the online world. I loathe the one-upsmanship although I have certainly been guilty of it myself. It’s just a way to make ourselves feel important instead of focusing on the person who needs our attention. *Note to self: go back and read all responses made on Quinn’s blog to make sure I didn’t hi-jack the thread, LOL.
And I agree with Paula, it would be so interesting for all of us here to get together for a cup of coffee and put a face/personality with a name.
Keep us updated how the experiment goes and thanks for being a great example for all of us!
I’m trying it out because I’m guilty of it, too. Hey, I’m a writer, here’s MY story. OOOOoops. (I never look back. Don’t go there.) So I’m trying to be aware when I used social networking. Like Paula said, I think my time on FB will be a lot shorter! I’m seriously thinking of doing a one-day retreat in Sedona. People could come a day early and enjoy Sedona. I’m thinking of arranging a hiking, journaling, lunch, using the journaling to make art, group art show, where we talk about what came up and chocolate. It needs a bit of work yet!
I’m in for a Sedona retreat for sure!
I’m thinking end of March, early April. What do you think?
I have chocolate I’d love to share.
Hang on to it, there’ll be plenty of room for sharing.
While I have a FB account I rarely go there. Family is there, but not much substance really goes on. Just an added distraction I don’t need.
I use some time to check the blogs that really mean something to me, look around at some art and then I try really really hard to get off line and into the studio. Guess this comes from having a full time job as head people wrangler, so my off job time is precious.
Every now and then I’ll come across a post that really explores ideas and those posts I really enjoy.
The group at this blog always fascinates me. Wish we could all get together over coffee, I’d love to see the faces, exchange smiles, tears.
I love the people who gather here. They are smart and articulate, and I’m a sucker for both. They are also honest about what’s happening without being tawdry or dramatic. I’m an even bigger sucker for that!
It is difficult not to do that! If someone has had a mishap I tend to post a similar occurrence to show them they are not alone. If it’s a problem I want to help with a solution. I have been trying lately to just hit the like button to show I’ve read the post but often “like” is so inappropriate.
I have to say though, some of the best online conversations I’ve had, have been when we’ve gone completely off topic!
I’ll give it a try, if nothing else it will make Facebooking a lot faster!
Sure, some posts are much better for the diversions. But it’s the constant “here’s my story in your comments” that got me thinking about parallel play. I’m not sure–although its a major habit–that adding a similar story to keep someone company is what they want. They want their story acknowledged. Like a conversation. Support, validation, empathy. But FB often is just a bunch of similar stories. I’ve noticed when I post a (in my opinion) thought-provoking question, it gets ignored, but if I tell a drama-story, I get lots of “me-toos” with even more drama. That’s what got me thinking.
Interesting proposition Quinn.
Because I’ve been thinking a great deal lately about the loss of conversation within our society I’m intrigued by what you’ve written.
I’ve heard the Roosevelt quote before and am often dismayed that it is so easy for me to become the small person rather than great or even, by golly, average.
You will let us know how your goal for the week goes; right?
I struggle with it, too, Yvonne. One of the ideas on my blog is experimenting with life–which is how I see creativity. I know better than to expect a polished halo–that wouldn’t be interesting. And I’m all about exploring interesting. Yes, I’ll let everyone know what happened.
There could be much said about your issues here, but don’t you think it all depends on our approach to life in general.
I’m a doer/fixer and my question would be: why tell me about a problem if one don’t want it fixed?
To a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. You see “problem” and think it’s a call for help. But often it’s not. People often don’t want advice (I’m a coach, and I know this from 10 years of personal experience.) People want to be heard, and empathized with. People want validation. People want acknowledgement. People don’t often want advice. If you give it, and they take it, you become responsible for the outcome, in their eyes. I used to be a fixer, too.
Interesting experiment! There seem to be a lot of people around who do not understand that being “friended” by a complete stranger on Facebook is not based on real life friendships. The oneupmanship that goes on seems to have gone far beyond keeping in contact with family and friends, and often reflects a lack of social skills and the wish to be “somebody” even for just a few seconds. Most of my family, in-laws as well as blood relatives, seem to live their lives on Facebook, then get upset if someone posts a nasty remark, by which time a family feud is in process and things are said for all the world to see that cannot ever be unsaid.
And they think I am strange for refusing to use the site??
Just this week, I’ve seen two threads about people who are posting their health issues while on the way to the hospital. I was really surprised, until I realized that people feel deeply connected to letting every aspect of their lives be public. It gives them a feeling of celebrity or importance. And then, of course, there is the whole issue of wanting to reach family, but making the posts public. I’d guess there’s a bit of not knowing how to use Filters on Facebook and a lot of not knowing how to filters in their lives in general.