One way the ever-present inner critic gets to us is by asking rhetorical questions. You (and your inner critic) already know the answer, but the question hangs there for effect—to diminish you, or send you into a funk of embarrassment.
Castle wall made entirely out of handmade, minimally-decorated building bricks. What makes it effective is the cumulative effect of bricks. The installation is at the Desert Botanical Garden in Phoenix.
Last week, while I was teaching positive self-talk to a group of job seekers, one of the participants was looking for a shortcut to the right answer, and he discovered something interesting.
The task was to create new, positive self-talk from old, negative self-talk. The negative statement was, “Why would that company choose me?” The student turned it into “How can I help the company choose me?” That’s brilliant. Most people, having seen too much of Stuart Smalley, say, “This company will choose me–I will get this job!” While it’s positive, it often feels empty to someone who has been turned down for 45 jobs. And when it doesn’t come true, it’s easy to assume that positive self talk doesn’t work.
This line of answering works for the inner critic, too. “What makes you think you are an artist?” turns into, “What can I do to feel more like an artist?” When the inner critic asks, “How can you ever think you will be as good as John Doe?” you can think, “What is it I like about John Doe?” or “John Doe and I share several great characteristics.”
Flipping the negative question to result in a positive answer is a great way to face your journal. It doesn’t sink you into “poor me” pity parties and helps nudge you in the positive direction.
The other day I said, out loud, after an embarrassing misstep, “What was I thinking?” and almost immediately I had a better question, “What did I learn from that?”
–Quinn McDonald messes up, gets up, dusts off and moves on, taking notes all the way.
As for the tarp, it is interesting that you can unroll a tarp that is not rolled, simply by moving it.
In the video, there seems to be a type of rolling through pulling it over itself. It always fascinates me to watch it.
In “The Heart of Christianity” Marcus Borg gave a great “definition” of true. ” Even if the miracles in the Bible never happened doesn’t mean the stories aren’t true.” For example the meaning of the story of the virgin birth (that Jesus was an extraordinary person, different than most other people) is true even if you don’t believe it ever really happened. Great book for people who feel they are Christian but have problems with some of the “facts”..
I didn’t mean for this post to be about religious beliefs, Marilyn. The inner critic is not a religious idea; it’s a neurological one. Religions, in my opinion, are the exact opposite of “fact.” That’s why there are religious belief—you choose to believe things that can’t be proven. Each culture has origination myths and customs that they choose to believe.
I do like that question, “What did I learn from that?” It’s a much nicer thing to say to yourself than @#*&*!
Nicer and more effective. Beating yourself up never really leaves you feeling refreshed, but learning something does.
This is brilliant.
I am in the midst of reworking my self-image: if I am no longer “software QA specialist who also has a small farm and knits in her spare time” … what am I? I know, we shouldn’t decide who we are based on what we do, but it is such a big part of one’s life that a giant career shift is tough to navigate.
My new business cards say “writer knitter spinner smallholder” – but I don’t quite feel like most of those things most of the time. So, your question “what can I do to feel more like a writer, knitter, spinner and smallholder” is exactly the one I needed.
Thanks for that.
What was that comment I was going to make? Er, no, I meant “what is it I like about the comment I haven’t made yet?” No, wait…
Where is that frozen carp I want to smack you with?
I’m sure you meant “How can I help Pete move into the path of this frozen carp?”
Yes, that’s it–if I ship you a frozen carp, will you video yourself smacking yourself with it?
…”how can I help Pete learn video production…”
Quinn,
I felt the timing of your question, What Was I Thinking? was interesting with the topic of this week’s Refresh Journal.
I love the idea of rephrasing a question to actually give you something positive and doable to work with in getting what you know you want. When you can put your finger on the ‘it’ factor, that makes it all the more tangible, real, and possible. Maybe even probable if it resonates with your intuition.
Great post, as always, Quinn.
Be refreshed,
Dawn
Putting your finger on the “it” factor is crucial, it unlocks the answer.
We in the therapy biz (or used to be) call it “reframing” and it’s a very effective component of cognitive behavioral therapy.
I like the positive spin you’ve put on the good, real-life examples you used.
I had to smile as I thought of all the different meanings “reframing” could have. Thanks for reminding me of the correct name.
I think for many of us (at least in my experience) we are much more willing to give that positive voice to others than to ourselves. I have seen it in myself and in the many different groups I am part of (and this applies to every facet not just art). We have self-doubt and are self-critical about our own work, and in the very next breath are able to point out all of the positive things about somebody elses work and easily give encouragement to them. I know it is just habit, and habits can be changed, but I see it everywhere I go!
That’s true, especially of women. We praise others a lot but are super hard on ourselves. I’m wondering if the praise is reflexive, rather than genuine.
My most recent journal spread is “What´s the lesson in this?” (will post it on Friday for Paint Party Friday).
Catching the negative talk requires a LOT of attention as it is so easy to slide into it.
I´m taking the “What can I do to feel more like an artist?” question with me to the grocery shopping round. We might have a little chat and hopefully a gentle nudge.
Btw: I finally finished my linking for the award (http://keepitsimplemakeitgreat.blogspot.com.ar/2012/04/what-do-you-wish-to-experience.html ) AND sent you the postcard. I hadn´t forgotten, it was a bad case of “is this pretty enough?” *blush*
Ps – you can see the kids’ work at http://www.moneystowncreativity.blogspot.com
I wonder, Quinn, if you have ever come across the work of Byron Katie? She poses four, simple, life changing questions.
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react when you think that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
Her work and personal story are worth looking at.
Also, some wisdon from Lucy, age 8, at moneystown creativity club “When you look at someone else’s work and feel jealous because you think their work is better than yours, and want to be mean about it because you feel jealous, know that your picture is good too and tell them you like what they’ve done”. Simple wisdom
Yes, I know the work of Byron Katie. I’ve read one of her books, and at the time, it didn’t resonate with me, although I know she is a guide for many people. I have a problem with the word “true,” which I think is not one thing, but something different for each person. The old Chinese problem, “we must separate truth from fact.” I love what Lucy says. She is very wise, indeed. As are you!