The Oxygen Mask

She was struggling as the middle layer of the sandwich generation. Kids in college, still needing a safe haven; elderly mother in another state, not doing too well.

When the phone call came in the middle of the night, it was time to drive through the darkness into the heart of the struggle. Mother may die, that would be awful Mother may live, that would also be awful. Because mother can’t be alone, needs help, doesn’t want to accept help. The story’s pages are smoothed by thousands of worried hands who have written down the words of struggle: what do I do now? How can I take this on and have it end well?

Because I’ve made that middle-of-the-night drive myself, I suggested the one thing sandwich women forget: take care of yourself first. You can’t help anyone else if you aren’t functioning.

As most women, this is not easy to hear. We are used to taking care of everyone else first. As I asked how she could take care of herself, there was a pause. Then a slow, smiling voice came back, in the singsong of a flight attendant:
“In case of emergency, reach for your own oxygen mask first. Put on your mask before helping others around you. The bag may not inflate, but oxygen will flow through the mask. Tighten the straps and make sure you can breathe. Then help others.”

She knew what to do. She would be fine.

Image: firesomeonetoday.com

–Quinn McDonald is a writer and a certified creativity coach. She is also a transition coach, who helps people reinvent themselves to cope with new careers, situations, and people in their lives. See her work at QuinnCreative.com (c) 2008 All rights reserved.

Gratitude Journal: New Age Hype or Useful Tool?

The first time someone suggested I keep a gratitude journal, I suggested they set their hair on fire. I was a little cranky at the time. I didn’t want to be grateful, I wanted to seethe and be angry. Once I got finished with anger, I wasn’t sure why I should be grateful. And that’s the point.

Being grateful and writing it down helps slow down all that gallopping emotion. In the mood I was in, my approach was a “revenge of the gratitude journal.” I wanted to prove that idiot who suggested the gratitude journal that they were wrong. Hah! So I wrote down, “I have nothing to be grateful for.” So there. I looked at it for awhile and felt a little dumb. Except for the thing I was angry about, which had taken over my life, I had a roof over my head, clean clothes to wear, a caring spouse, enough food to eat. I knew that other people didn’t have all of that. But hey, I was still angry.

So I wrote down, “My cup of coffee was not total crap this morning.” That seemed about right. The next day, I wrote down, “My annoying cube neighbor has the flu.” Then I added, “Traffic was OK. I got to the client on time.” I found that having a few small things to be grateful for seemed to reduce my anger. Only because all that anger was exhausting me.

Over time, I began to notice the quality of items I was grateful for changed, almost as if I could predict a bad mood, a new project coming my way, and when I was in problem-solving mode. I began to dare to notice that I was good at some things and write them in the gratitude journal. I could see the big picture and the details to get there. I was a good problem solver. Being grateful for what you are good at and noticing it makes you better at it.

A gratitude journal sharpens your skills. The first time I suggested it to one of my coaching clients, he tactfully suggested I set my hair on fire. (Well, no, he was quite polite. But I could feel the shock wave over the phone. This was no girly-man.) But he kept up the gratitude journal. I promise my clients anonimity, so I can’t quote his entries, but they started simple and got quite complex. It was working for him, too.

 Here’s what he wrote to me this morning:
“You can tell your tough-guy clients that when I got laid off, the journal had mentally prepared me to view it as a blessing and an opportunity rather than a death sentence.
It allowed me to think clearly and focus on what I really wanted to do. Kind of like boot camp mentally prepares a “green” soldier for his first combat mission.”

Thanks so much for letting me know. You and I discovered the same thing about gratitude–it’s not a new age emotion, it’s a business tool. Particularly if you own your own business.

—Quinn McDonald is a certified creativity coach and a life coach who specializes in guiding people through transitions. She holds workshops on writing, corporate culture, and giving presentations. See her work at QuinnCreative.com
encounter, so does the grateful journal keep the newly laid off working professional
from panicking in the face of financial danger.

10 Questions to Ask Your Coach

You’ve decided to work with a coach for the usual reasons: you aren’t getting enough done, you spend a lot of time worrying, you are repeating all the same patterns, you are unhappy with your life, you aren’t getting promoted, there is trouble on your team, you aren’t managing your life, your boss or your colleagues well, you don’t know what to do next.

You’ve found some names, now how to decide? Asking questions is good. What to ask? Here are some ideas to build on:

Q. “Do you coach on the phone, in person, or via email?”
A. In person gives you face to face contact, but it also means you need to drive, park, walk there and back. You may have to use time looking for a parking space or pay to park.

Phone coaching can fit into parts of your day that work best for you–early morning, lunch, evening when you have some time. If your coach does phone coaching, ask if they were trained that way. It takes a special skill.

Email coaching is tricky. You might feel emotional when you write, then be in a completely different mood when the answer comes back. When a coach asks a question, you may write back what the coach wants to hear, rather than what you feel. Email coaching is the least reliable. Email is great for coaching homework or reporting in, but not for the heart of coaching.

Q: “Where did you train?”
A: Some people have been coaching for a long time and never went to a course. But a recognized coaching course gives you some reassurance that there were principles learned, practiced and tested. Therapists often become coaches, although coaches are not therapists, unless they have studies and been licensed to be a therapist. In general, therapists look backward for the origin of problems, and coaches look forward to goals.

Q: “How long have you been coaching regularly?”
A: It’s good to know if someone has just started. That doesn’t mean they aren’t gifted, but experience is an excellent skill-builder. And coaching regularly is the key. A coach who has taken a three-year sabbatical may not be at the top of the skill.

Q: “How many times a month do we talk and for how long?”
A: This varies widely and you need to be comfortable with the commitment. Some coaching sessions run for half an hour, some for an hour. Some coaching sessions are 4 times a month, some three, some at random intervals. Choose a coach whose working sessions make sense to you. Ask why they chose their session length and frequency. The answer should have the voice of experience.

Q: “How much do you charge?”
A: A coach who hedges on the answer, or gives an unclear answer is one you should avoid. Prices should be clear, easy to understand and explain. I favor coaches who put their price on their website. No reason to hide it, fees are either affordable for your client, or not. The client determines the value. If my grocery store didn’t post their prices in the paper, or I had to search for airline prices, I wouldn’t use them.

Q: “How long will it take?”
A: No coach can tell you how long it will take to make a change in your life. It depends on how hard you work, and what you want to achieve. Change takes time. Once you have achieved a goal, you might very well want to move on to another goal with the same coach. Some people find that a good coach is a necessity and stay for years, other clients go for a quick fix and stay for a few months, a few clients just check in once a month or so after coaching ends.

Q: “Do you give homework?”:
A: Coaches frequently ask powerful questions at the end of a session. Other times, you may agree with the coach to complete a task, start a project, write down some notes. Coaching is most effective between sessions, when your mind returns to the session and builds on it. Having a focal point to build on is a big advantage.

Q: Do you give sample sessions?
A: Coaching is personal and experiential. It’s hard to describe it using only words, just like it is hard to explain an ice cream flavor. Once you taste it, you understand how the ice cream tastes to you. Many coaches give a sample session to let you see their style, approach and tone. Not every coach will work for you, and no coach should discourage you from trying more than one before making a decision.

Q: Will you get my book published/ find me a soul mate/ get my family off my back?
A: No. Sorry, you have to do the work. A coach supports you, shows you different perspectives, discusses consequences, shows you options, asks what you need to complete a task, helps you see the steps in a task, supports you, encourages you, demands the best from you, makes you accountable, and asks questions, helps you think about resources, maybe even shares resources. But no advice. A life- or creativity coach that gives hard advice and instructions consistently isn’t helping you. If you are not coming up with your own ideas, you won’t be dedicated to them. If you don’t choose your own path, you will blame the coach. Part of coaching is learning to take responsibility for your life.

Q: “May I call or email you?”
A: Most coaches believe that you are creative, resourceful and whole when you begin coaching. If you need a therapist, that’s a different kind of help. Many coaches offer email exchanges for homework or brief check-ins. How often you call without getting charged is up to the coach and you to set. Boundaries are important to keep the relationship in balance. If you and your coach become close friends, the coach may have a hard time keeping your goal in perspective. Most coaches don’t mind a quick phone call or email during office hours. Be careful about making demands on how fast you expect an answer, and the hours a coach is available. Coaches need their downtime, too.

–Quinn McDonald is a certified creativity coach and a life coach who helps with transitions in business, career, and family matters. She can be reached at QuinnCreative.com

What Does Coaching Do For Me?

Life coaching, creativity coacing, transition coaching helps you discover how you show up in the world. If you want, it helps you decide if that is the way you want to continue showing up in the world. Beyond that, if you want to change how you show up in the world, a coach will help you explore change, create some steps, follow the steps, and move ahead.

Coaching is about you, the client. Your coach won’t give you advice, tell you what to do, focus on your past, or let you make up excuses. Coaching works in the middle of turmoil, anger, fear, losing your job, getting a divorce, and a 20-page to-do list, none of which is done.

Coaching also works when you are eager, happy, creative, present, and productive. It helps you identify how you got to the point you are and if you want to continue, and how to continue making good choices.

Each coach has techniques that work for clients. I ask questions. For my clients to figure out their motives, their reasons for making choices, they have to think about what they value, what they want, and where they want to go. All that involves questions.

What’s interesting about questions, is that the answers change from day to day. I’ll as a client, “What pushes your buttons?” and she might immediately reply, “Friends who don’t respect me.”  Because I don’t know what that means for her, I’ll ask, “What does respect mean to you?” And here is the interesting part. She might blurt out, “Not treating me as if I’m stupid.” We’ll talk some more and at the end of the hour, I’ll as her to write down what respect means every day for a  week. When we talk about it the next week, she will have quite a list.

–Respect me by listening to me when I’m talking
–Respect me by considering my ideas and not making me do yours all the time
–Respect me by being on time
–Respect me by asking me what I want to be called, not assuming you can use my first name just because I wrote it on a piece of paper you have
–Respect me by not telling me how to run my life

Those are all very different answers, but they all define respect for this client. It gives me information about her values, and it helps her see what is important and perhaps, what is missing in her life.

From there we can move on to how to show respect, how to ask for respect and how to act in ways that encourage respect. Those are positive steps that start with questions.

Coaching is valuable if the road of life is rocky; coaching provides a guide. And when the road is smooth and easy, it provides a companion to help you notice what is working to keep the road smooth.

–Quinn McDonald is a life and transition coach who helps people re-invent themselves. She is also a certified creativity coach. See her work at QuinnCreative.com  (c) 2008 All rights reserved.

Wabi Sabi Journaling in Tempe, AZ

March 12: Wabi Sabi Journaling In-Person at

Changing Hands Bookstore in Tempe, AZ

Wabi sabi, a Japanese aesthetic, honors the old, the incomplete and the unfinished. It’s an interesting topic for journal writing, because a study of the aesthetic leads to choosing the real over the artificial; simple over fussy; handmade over mass produced.

I’m running a seminar at Changing Hands this Wednesday, March 12, 2008. You’ll get an idea of what creativity coaching looks like as well as learn more about Wabi Sabi. Bring a journal for maximum fun.

It should be an interesting evening at Changing Hands bookstore in Tempe, at the Southwest corner of McClintock and Guadalupe. The class runs from 6:30 pm to 8:30pm. Bring a journal! The class is $20 and you can register, by calling the store at 480-730-0205.

Working Your To-Do List

It’s always the same. When people want you to do one more thing, generally something that is more important to them than you, they suggest you do it right before you go to bed. I now start going to bed at 5 p.m. just so I can get all those last-minute things done by midnight.

A few of my coaching clients tell me that they hate writing to-do lists. The reason, they say, is that it is a roll-call of failure. Items that don’t get done reproach them daily for being lazy. Being lazy is not a bad thing. Often lazy people are very bright, and they develop smart shortcuts that help them accomplish things quickly, efficiently and with accuracy, giving them time to do what they choose.

How can you make “lazy” work for you? Take a look at that to-do list. It’s probably filled with big, clunky projects that you don’t want to do. Maybe a few small things that you can do quickly. So you do those. If you are like most people (including me), you’ll put a few things on that list that you have already done, or do automatically (like brushing your teeth), just so you can get something checked off.

Here’s a better way to manage the lists:

1. Write down those things you need to get done. Big, small, write them all down. That will not only keep you from forgetting, but also take a weight off your mind. That alone makes a list worthwhile. I like index cards for this, so I can keep the list in front of me, but you can use whatever makes you feel comfortable. It is easier to use a piece of paper you don’t have to re-write constantly–a page you can move in your notebook.

2. Create the list at the end of the workday. It preps you for the next day, and is a good way to wind up your time in the office. You’ll set priorities while they are fresh in your mind.

3. Circle three things that have to get done. Just three. The things that make the most impact, have the highest priority, clear the widest swath of time in your day.

4. Take another 3 index cards. Writing just on the front, put one item on each card and jot down the steps needed for each. People you have to call, meetings to set, research to be done, things to look up. Some lists will have one item on them, for example, “Call  Jason Pierce for article interview.” Others will have several steps. That’s it. Walk away from your office.

5. The next morning, once you arrive at work, pick up one of the three index cards and get to work. Don’t check your emails first. Checking emails is a sabotage of getting work done. Don’t take phone calls until you get the items on the first index cards done. If one of the items is to do an interview, pick up the phone and get it done. If you haven’t made an appointment, get that part done.

6. Once you have accomplished the steps on the first index card, you can look at your emails or pick up your voice mails.  Don’t get sucked into your emails. Answer the most important ones, but if there is a task to do, it goes on your to-do list. Most people waste an enormous amount of time reading and answering emails in the order they receive them instead of in the order of importance.

7. Tackle the second index card before lunch and the last one by mid afternoon. Getting three items accomplished well and completely is not as common as you might think. You’ll have to fight off interruptions, the drifters who come in to waste your time, and the drama people who like to create emergencies so they can be heroes and solve them.  Tell them you are busy right now. It’s true, and it works.

At the end of the work day, repeat the to-do list process. You’ll find your to-do list shrinking and your email list manageable. Many emails are simply people commenting on your emails because they feel they have to.

Once you get into the habit of doing three important things each day, and doing them well, you will find yourself less stressed, less crazy, and more productive.

–Quinn McDonald is a certified creativity coach who develops and teaches business communication courses. You can see her work at QuinnCreative.com (c) 2008 All rights reserved.  Image: Einstein’s to-do list: www.curiostudio.com

Listen First, Witness Next, No Fixing Allowed

My friends are helpful and caring. I post a blog on a problem, and I’ll be smothered in advice and how-to’s to fix my problem. Even if I didn’t ask for help.

We’re a helping culture. Business prize problem-solvers and frown on those who don’t take action and take it quickly. To-do lists are touted as the traction in action. That’s all good. I’m a person of action myself, and I value getting busy and getting it done.

It’s a natural reaction to hear a problem and think about a solution. We’ve been trained to do it. Women do it because we are natural helpers. Men do it because action is presupposed to move toward an answer. In truth, action is often not what is needed in friendship.

Yesterday, a client told me, “When I need support and I get a to-do list, it just exhausts me.” And the client is absolutely right. What we want most from friends is to be heard. To be listened to. Often an answer isn’t needed. Just a nod of the head, or a hug.

We can’t fix other people’s hearts. We can witness their grief and validate their difficult feelings. Fixing is a natural impulse, but people who are angry, sad, or confused don’t need to be “should” on at that moment. They want to know that someone is on their side. Hears them. Sympathizes with their predicament.

We don’t do that, because empathy is much harder than advice. It demands looking into our heart and finding room for empathy. Grabbing a quick fix, an emotional bandage is much easier than sitting in silence, or asking a good question, or saying, “Wow that sounds tough for you right now,” and then being silent. We don’t like to admit we don’t know. We want our cheerful friend back, so we do something to make ourselves feel better. And that doesn’t help a friend who needs listening.

When I blog and ask, “What would you do?” I often get, “You should. . .” followed by well-meant intentions, usually suggestions the writer would never do–
“Sit down and write a gratitude list”
“Sit down and write a list of 10 reasons why [you should feel better].”
“Call up the person who hurt your feelings and tell them you love them”

Notice I said, “what would you do?” not, “tell me what I should do.” We want to fix things, so we reach for the emotional equivalent of kissing a boo-boo to make it better. We also want all this messy anger and tear business out of our lives, so fixing another person’s life is a handy reaction.

The best part is that if the other person’s life isn’t fixed, it was because they didn’t take our advice. Their fault. We are out of it. We can give them more advice on how to do it better next time.

Here’s a challenge: the next time someone pours out their heart to you, resist the urge to fix. Listen. Witness. Nod, repeat back some of the things you hear. Don’t tell your story, don’t tell a friend’s story. Listen. It is the best help of all.

–Image: Raven Listens (c) 2008, by Quinn McDonald

–Quinn McDonald is a certified creativity coach. See her work at (c) QuinnMcDonald. com. (c) 2008. All rights reserved.

Left Hand, Right Hand

Most cultures have a negative views of left-handed people. Sure, we pretend that left-handedness is just fine, but our culture is still biased. Both the words “sinister” and “gauche” have their roots in the words for “left” as a direction, away from “right.” Even that word ‘right’ means the correct way.

I was born left-handed, and that was simply unacceptable in my family. My pencil was put in my right hand, and later, disapproval of left-handedness was enforced with shame, yelling and punishment. As a result, I am a left-handed person who writes with the right hand. I brush my teeth and hair left-handed, I eat left-handed, but I write right handed.

Last week I signed up for two classes–drawing and watercolor. My first drawing class was about getting the outline and proportion right. The object I was drawing was a curved knife. I did a shaky drawing of the knife with my right hand. (That’s it on the left, over there).

As I worked to see the knife and get it down, my left hand moved with the right. I noticed it, and just for the fun of it, moved the pencil to my left hand. For one second, I was a little dizzy, and then I re-drew the knife, with far better results. The proportion was better and the lines were smoother and steadier. (The left-handed drawing is below.)

Because the pencil had been a writing instrument, I held it in my right hand. As a drawing instrument, it felt better in my left. I completed the rest of my class using my left hand. And made, as a mature age, a giant decision–to draw left handed. And to try the same experiment in my watercolor class. Because training and learning are two different things. And I need to learn to be left-handed again.

–Quinn McDonald is a writer and certified creativity coach who also develops and teaches training programs on communicating with others. Images by Quinn McDonald (c) 2008 All rights reserved.

Perspective Switch

One of the techniques I use in coaching is shifting perspective. We develop a point of view, and we reinforce it with beliefs and ideas. Pretty soon it’s not only the “right” way, but the “only” way. When a client gets stuck, it’s often a perspective issue. See if any of these sentences are ones you’ve said:

“That woman [man] hates me. I can’t do anything about it.”
“My boss [mother, mother-in-law, spouse, child, teacher] is out to get me. They are always criticizing me.”
“I can’t meet all your demands, it’s just too much.”
“I won’t ever be able to do that. I’m not up to it.”

All of those are perspectives. Your beliefs are certainly true for you at this moment. It’s your reality. But as my recent drawing classes have shown, if you move, even slightly, you will get a different view. And that viewpoint might shift your beliefs. If you see things differently, you can have a fresh look at them, maybe see something you didn’t see before.

Shifting your perspective is an exercise that asks the client to step into a different viewpoint. It’s not always easy, but it’s always enlightening. I’ll ask a client to pretend they are the other party, or to pretend they are in another part of their lives. Sometimes I even ask them to shift to a different position while they are talking to me. That is often enough to get them away from being stuck.

In the picture on the left, you can see an older house. You can see it has agaves growing in front of it, a grated door, and a typical desert front yard. You could draw all sorts of conclusions looking at the picture. If you are from the lush, green East, you could think the people are poor and have a dirt yard.

Now look at the photo below. The only change is that I took three steps backwards to take the photo. Exactly the same spot, just a different perspective. Now you can see the stucco and block fence that runs outside the house. You might think the person is closed off, maybe hates outsiders. You could add this to the idea that the person is poor, and you have a fairly unflattering picture of the owner.

Until you add the information that the house is in the desert Southwest, where almost every house is surrounded by a fence like this. Originally the fences kept out the wandering javelinas (wild pigs) that rooted up the gardens and attacked pets. Now, because most houses in this area are build close to each other to save resources, the fences provide boundaries and assure privacy. The landscape style suits the desert climate. It’s called xeriscaping, using only native desert plants and using sand and rocks as ground cover. Grass requires a lot of water, which isn’t plentiful in the Sonoran desert.

To get a different perspective, I often think of taking a photograph of my opinion, writing down a few viewpoints. Then I mentally turn, step back, or put a different light on it and take another mental picture. Voila! a new perspective. It doesn’t always result in an Aha! moment, but it does add important information to my decision making process.

–Quinn McDonald is a writer and certified creativity coach. She also develops and leads seminars on communicating better with office colleagues and friends. Image: Quinn took the photos. (c) 2008 All rights reserved.

Get the Most From Your Coaching Session

When someone becomes a life- or creativity coaching client of mine, I send them a letter of agreement. It explains the details in coaching that are important–the telephone number to use for the call, how long a session lasts, and a few requests that surprise people.

Almost no one expects that coaching focuses on one thing at a time. It’s difficult to persuade people that multi-tasking is a myth. The way to prove this is to try coaching people who are deeply involved in multi-tasking.

Coaching happens (for my clients) on the phone. After I developed neck and shoulder problems, I used a headset, which gives me crystal clear sound. It amplifies the crunching, chewing, and drinking noises of clients snacking or eating an entire meal while being coached. It also amplified the keyboard clicks of clients who check their emails, text message, read IMs and yes, play games during a coaching session.

Here’s how you can get the most out of your coaching session:

—Coaching is an activity that requires listening, answering questions, thinking through complex emotions and motivations and connecting behaviors with consequences. Come prepared to take some notes, maybe in a notebook or journal, so all the notes stay together.

—Before you make the call, get a drink, grab a snack, go to the bathroom. Then you are ready to spend time on the phone without distractions.

— You can’t concentrate on an email and think about your life. Put other people aside and focus just on your needs for the moment.

—Let your other calls go to voicemail. You can’t talk to your coach, shift your concentration and energy to another phone call and pick up where you left off with the coach. Get back to your life when you are finished with a coaching session.

—A lot of coaching involves asking questions. I don’t demand instant answers. Take time to think. If I ask you, “When is your energy low?” I don’t expect you to have the answer instantly. I am willing to wait while you think. However, if I hear you keyboard clicking, I will think you are Googling for an answer. Hint: it’s not on Google.

—Ask questions if you don’t understand what I am asking. If I ask, “When is your energy low?” and you don’t know if I mean after what activity or what time of day, ask. If you answer every question with “I don’t know, tell me,” I’ll be happy to give you examples, but your questions make the answer clearer for you.

—I don’t give advice. We can explore choices, options, and your ideas. If you are out of ideas, I’m happy to toss out some for you to react to. But I don’t tell you what to do, think, or be. That is always your choice. If I toss out an idea, it is not a directive. Generally I’ll ask what you think about the idea. You are not required to like it. You can hate it, use part of it, or come back with another idea you like better.

—Coaching is about you. If I tell you what to do and you blindly do it, then you aren’t involved in your future. If making decisions is new to you, you might find the idea of trying out ideas interesting or intimidating. Let me know how you feel and we can explore choices. That’s the joy of coaching. It involves support, encouragement, choices and consequences. You’ll have time to think and be silent. So will I.

If every second is filled with something, there is no time to process information, think of consequences, or process information to compare and contrast ideas and results. Thanks to the way the human brain processes multiple simultaneous activities, it’s apparently becoming rare to really delve deeply into any one subject or relationship, so while the electronically connected are collecting information about a wide range of topics, the depth just isn’t there anymore.

When you work with me, it’s all about you. And I’ll ask you to get away from your computer, TV, DVD player, iPod and every other electronic gadget. I’ve had clients make huge leaps when they concentrate on themselves. And that’s how it should be.

–Quinn McDonald is a certified creativity coach, writer, and seminar leader. See her work at QuinnCreative.com (c) 2008. All rights reserved.

Image: www.setfocus.it