Undercover, Underwire

In almost every bra I own, there is a torture device called the underwire. I have no idea what this useless device is supposed to do, but whatever it is, it doesn’t work. An underwire is a flat piece of metal (the one shown here is half an underwire) in the bottom of the bra cup. Yep, flat piece of metal. One end is covered in the same kind of plastic that you see on pliers and screwdrivers. The other end is filed flat  that immediately begins to plot its escape the day you buy the bra.underwire

No matter how careful you are, the metal begins to move, and at some inopportune moment, it will poke you in a soft part of your body that doesn’t need poking. The one shown here broke when I pulled it all the way out, after enduring being poked for hours while on the motorcycle. One does not begin to mess with one’s bra while riding a motorcycle down I-66.

I’ve always been baffled as to the purpose of an underwire. I’ve been told that it adds support. No, it does not. Does your collar support your chin? Does your belt support your waist? Of course not. And an underwire doesn’t support a bosom. It hides underneath it, a flat piece of metal, reminding me that my body is not shaped like a flat piece of metal. I already knew that.

Who designs these thing? If you are listening, please make a few other changes–at least for us generously proportioned women–stop already with the elastic straps. Who needs all that bounce? All you lacivious imaginers out there, stop it. I’m no longer pushing 50, I’m dragging it, and no one wants to see-or live with–that bounce.

And what’s up with the teeny, narrow straps? If the idea of stretch is bounce, the narrow straps don’t defy gravity–they just dig into the shoulder.

For heaven’s sake, get a grip. Put some comfortable straps on the bra, and lose that pointy metal thing. If you want me to look decent as I age, give me some lift. That little rose tattoo I got at the edge of my bosom as a teenager? It’s a long-stemmed rose now. And your bra design isn’t helping much.

–Quinn McDonald is a writer and defender of garments that are practical and fit right. See her artwork at QuinnCreative.com