“If it doesn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be.” I’ve been hearing that phrase a lot lately. Or, worse, “If it’s meant to be, things will fall in place. If not, God didn’t want me to have it.” I don’t understand this whole way of thinking. And I don’t
Want tomatoes? Water your own plants
believe in it, Although I do believe in God. I don’t believe our every tiny whim is a deity’s responsibility.
If that way of thinking were true, I’d never have to water my garden (God would provide rain at the necessary times), prune the fig trees (they would grow perfectly to grow their fruit) or work hard for something I wanted (because if it’s supposed to happen, it will drop it into my lap).
Blaming God for our lack of initiative doesn’t seem right. It negates our free will and allows us to blame failure on God. It doesn’t allow us responsibility for our own mistakes, or the wisdom to fix them.
Worst of all, that kind of thinking makes God the victimizer. Most of us have gathered a lot of evidence that we are victims in life–think of how often we say, “If only. . .” If only our parents had given us what we needed, we would have had a better career. If only we’d gone to a more prestigious school, we’d get that promotion. If only our boss had played fair, we wouldn’t have been laid off. The list goes on into eternity.
When we become victims–of a deity, of others, even of ourselves, we become powerless. We lose. It’s an excuse to give up, to blame others.
We usually reach for drama. When we are the star of our own drama, we can make other people sorry for what they did. Except they aren’t. And their refusal to accept all that responsibility fuels our anger and victimhood all the more. As long as we don’t let anyone off the hook, we don’t have to pull ourselves out of our mess.
There is an amazing way to change your life. Let others off the hook. They aren’t suffering over hurting you. You are. If you stop blaming them, stop creating drama, stop showing them how awful they are because your life is a mess, and spend that energy in righting your rocky life, and putting it together, you will use your own creativity to heal yourself.
You don’t have to wait for anyone. You can do it on your own. Your own creativity is waiting to be used. No one else can use it for you. No one else can want a happy, prosperous life for you. But if you want it for yourself, and want it more than blaming others—from your parents to God—you will be able to find the gifts in your life and use them to build a future of your own creation.
—Quinn McDonald is a writer, life– and creativity coach. She helps people through big changes in their life.
QuinnCreative 
What a relief to read this and I need to be remembered of these wise words on a daily basis.
So often we are our own prisoners.
That’s a great way of thinking about it–we make ourselves our own prisoners.
Great post! So many people don’t realize that if/when they don’t forgive or let others off the hook, they just throw their own power and peace of mind away. It’s not easy work but it’s always worthwhile.
Thanks for your insight.
Thanks, Traci. When we let others off the hook, we pull the hook out of our own heart.
This is a good summation. Drama gets you attention, but is it the kind of attention you want. Putting oneself in charge sounds right, but it demands a lot of hard work. I love your statement, use your own creativity to heal yourself. I thought to myself, these words could have been written for me. Then I thought no, the message is one almost everyone could benefit from.
Actually, I wrote those words because I needed them. I needed to put myself down and hold myself accountable. But it’s nice to know it’s a universal message–and I think it is.
Hi Quinn,
I think this often happens because people don’t want to take responsibility for their thoughts and actions. The timing of your post is synchronistic as I happened to watch Wayne Dyer’s new special on PBS, “Excuses Be Gone.” He emphasizes a similar point; that you can’t blame everyone or everything for what has happened in your life.
It takes a lot of courage to step out of this habit and into the acceptance of your own self-power. It is something I continue to work on myself.
-Amy
Responsibility also gives you power. But yes, it is a struggle, and I have to work on it every day. Thanks for the kind words, I think that’s why I wrote the piece–doing this kind of work needs encouragement.
I needed to read this today!
I’ll have to bite my tongue or I’ll say, “It was meant that way!”
Such sage advice, and it’s good to be reminded from time to time.
Clara
It’s a realization I had for myself–and, of course, it makes a lot more work–but it’s worthwhile work.